Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Sharing My Struggle

I have to say.. I have never really felt lost like I did on February 8th of 2013. And by that same token, I had never relied on my God so much for peace and understanding. That Friday was the day my doctor told me there was no longer a heartbeat and that I had lost the baby. I was only 8 weeks along but I was crushed. There are absolutely no words to describe the devastating feeling of this reality. We were so thrilled to welcome baby #2 into our family and to see Big Sister Averi in action. Never did we imagine our excitement would so quickly be replaced with devastation. There was nothing we could have done to prevent my miscarriage, it was my body's way of dealing with a pregnancy that wasn't developing as it should have been. Regardless, it didn't make it any easier. You can never fathom the pain and anguish a woman faces during a miscarriage unless you have walked in her shoes.

I didn't tell many people that we were expecting again, because I wanted to wait until I was a little further along. That being said, I wasn't able to completely be open and honest about what I was going through when we lost the baby; holding a lot of pain and sadness inside. My parents knew, so did my siblings and a couple of my closest friends, but that was it. People aren't quite sure what to say or how to talk to someone dealing with a miscarriage, so a lot of the time they distance themselves. While I am so appreciative of the kind words and condolences from those that were aware of the situation, one of my very best friends made all the difference during a heartbreaking time for me. She was the first to say she couldn't imagine the feeling, but was there for me. She checked on me every single day for a while, and even went so far as to send me the kindest and most warm care package (which included some much needed bible verses for tough times), all while being out of the state visiting her family. And for her and her kindness, I am so incredibly thankful.

The thought that gave me the most peace during those agonizing weeks was that God was and is always in control. He knows our present, and he knows our future. And he knows exactly what we need, during every journey in our lives. I found comfort in knowing that this moment was all in His plan, and that he knew best. Don't get me wrong, I was devastated, and I questioned why this had happened, but through my struggle I realized just how blessed I truly was. It may not have been in God's divine plan to add to our family at that time but we had so much to be thankful for; a beautiful and healthy daughter, great jobs with excellent benefits, the purchase of our brand new home, our friends, our family, and our love for one another are just a few of are beloved blessings. The fact that my husband is just as trusting in The Lord as I am, made this situation so much more bearable. David was confident that God had a greater plan for us, and that Moreno Baby #2 would come at just the right time. Looking back on the last six months, I would have to agree. God knows best.

Wrapping up this post, I will be completely honest and tell you that I think about our angel baby all the time, and what he or she would have been like. Would we have had another precious princess, or a perfect little prince? Would he or she have looked like David, or like myself this time? So many questions and emotions still fill my heart, but my solace is in knowing that our teeny tiny little baby was perfect enough to spend eternity with our Heavenly Father. And that is a love far greater than anything here on earth. If you have experienced or are experiencing the devastating loss of a pregnancy, know that you are not alone.. Time and faith soften the pain, but it never completely is forgotten, and that is okay. It took me six months to put my feelings into words, but I finally felt ready to share my struggle. It is not easy, but it was something I needed to do.

I know it has been forever since I have blogged, but I had to jump back in somewhere! Now, onward and upward from here with lots of house, and Averi updates and pictures!
 
Lots of love,
Ashlee

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